I Have Discovered the Greatest Invention of Our Time

It's called SLUGBOT.

http://www-robotics.usc.edu/~ikelly/tta.html

It is designed to drive around, look for, and gather slugs. It then collects them and puts them in a fuel cell that processes the slugs and charges its batteries!! It runs on the very slugs it is designed to find! You do not need to give it any power at all if it is doing its job.

Think of the implications of this. I never need to throw anything out again. I can leave it where I use it. I just need a TRASHBOT to go around and gather my trash for me. And it would be free to run! I would not even need a bathroom!

Or, more importantly to my plans of world domination, I can make ENEMYOFTHEOBOT to autonomously collect and consume my enemies. Imagine a giant robot army eliminating my enemies free of charge!

I need the rights to this patent. Immediately.

I Keep ~300 Million Sets of Extra Organs Spread Across the Country

Just in case I need a new liver or leg or pituitary gland, I can just go out and harvest one of these subjects. Unfortunately many of these are useless because they do not share my blood type. But this is why I have so many. I only need about 2-3 transplant operations a month (my line of work is very dangerous, you see). So it is unlikely that I will run out before my death, which I anticipate to come sometime in the late 25th century.

In the meantime, I will take what I need. Occasionally, I must make a harvest or two to make sure the system is still working. Just hope that your number does not come up soon.

My Plan Is Foolproof

I was reading up on some conspiracy theories about how the CIA invented crack to subdue inner city populations. I found the idea quite inspiring. Drug addiction makes people very predictable in certain ways. If you control their access to the drug, you control the addict. In ways they will never be aware of.

But how to enact this on a large scale? It is difficult to expose a worldwide population to a drug without their knowledge and consent. So I explored another avenue. There are certain chemicals upon which every man woman and child is just as dependent as the addict to his drug. That's right, I am referring to food, water, and oxygen.

Yes, if you control those, you control the world! Best of all you can make the shortage appear to result from some other cause. And by the very fact that you (or rather I) are the one who can supply it, you will be lauded as a hero. No one will dare bite the hand that feeds them, so to speak.

When will I enact my plan you ask? What, do you think I am some kind of cartoon villain who would expose the details of my plan when there is any possible chance of affecting its outcome? No. I did it 35 minutes ago.

Enjoy your lifetime of servitude.

"You'll Catch Your Death in That"

I hate it when people tell me how to dress. "Don't go out there dressed like that, you'll catch your death," they say, "Here, put this on."

I mean, it's bad enough when it's your mother, but it really bothers me when my supervisor at the nuclear plant pulls this kind of stuff. Or the dispatch officer for my Hazmat crew. They are not my mother. It's my life, I'll wear my goddamn radiation suit when I want!

Why Do People Always Want to Talk about "the Casualties"

Every time I do something people are always bringing up the huge number of casualties involved. Casualties. It's always about the casualties with these people.

Why can't they look at the big picture and see the tremendous amount of money I am making? I hate dealing with small minded people.

I Hate the Overstrike Key

Why is it so prominently positioned on the keyboard and word processor? It does not make it more convenient to use intentionally, it just makes it easier to use accidentally. Come to think of it, why is it even there in the first place?

Who uses the damned thing? My computer ain't no typewriter. I can delete and write again in the same space. Overstrike is just confusing. I really see no reasonable use for it. Let's just let it die.

One of these Days, I'm Going to Break a Huge News Story on this Blog

I'm talking like story of the century.

Unfortunately no one will believe me. Despite my constant insistence that I never lie and that things I say make sense.

But that will be your mistake, for you will be unable to use this vital piece of information to your advantage, and I will.

On second thought, if I can use this to my advantage, why would I ever tell you? It's not like I make money off this blog. And its not like I care about my journalistic credibility. And fuck you because you wouldn't believe me if I did. To Hell with it then. I will not break any huge news stories on this blog. If my sources give me anything good, I will sit at home content in my advanced knowledge of world events. And you will sit at home blissful in your ignorance.

Sounds like a good deal for both of us.

I Want Albert Pujols On My Baseball Team

I may not own a baseball team. But he is sooooo good. So good that I want to acquire a team so that I may have him on it.

I am worth a grand total of ~$29.00 right now, and I am only in about $18,000.00 of student dept. That should qualify me to own the Nationals. Or at least the Royals or the Marlins.

I am not kidding. Pujols and Ortiz (don't worry I have him on lock) on the same team? That's a team that would win at least 62 games. And if I'm as good of a salesman as I am, that's a profit. For me. Not you. Me.

Whiskey is Objectively the Greatest of the Liquors

Let's look at the competitors:

Vodka: The whole point of vodka is to distill the purest spirit possible. This is a drink that does not seek to define a taste; it seeks to eliminate taste. This is a real shame. Would you accept such a strategy from any other food? No. No you would not. Do not accept it from your liquor.

Gin: Gin was invented for the sole reason of masking the disgusting/blindingly disgusting flavor of liquors made during prohibition. Not to mention that it's flavor is from juniper. It is a poison flavored with poison. Sounds delicious, doesn't it?

Rum: Ever heard of the slave triangle? Molasses to rum to slaves, as they say. OK, fine, that's a tenuous connection at best. But really. Rum lacks character. It's made from sugarcane, for God's sake. Nothing to add flavor, just pure fermentable sugar juice. Lame. Very lame.

Flavored liquers of any kind: Get away from me. If you advocate any of this shit, I advocate that you never impose your existence on my consciousness again. In any way. I will not be responsible for my actions.

Tequila and mescal: Almost forgot tequila. Tequila is fine i guess. That is, if 'fine' is good enough for you. As for mescal, do you eat any other food with worms in it? No you don't. Hold your liquor to the same standard that you do food. After all, you do injest it, too.

And finally, lets look at whiskey. It is lovingly aged in charred barrels of white oak. Carefully crafted and refined by the best humanity can offer. A toast to the whiskey makers! Such delicious smoky flavor. And it comes in so many glorious forms! Bourbon! Single malt scotch! Blended scotch! (admittedly, rye whiskey kind of sucks, but even the best parents can have an asshole as a child)

So, there you have it. You be the judge. Who wins?

Well, nevermind, I'll be the judge. Whiskey wins. By a mile.

There Is No Straw that Broke the Camel's Back

If one were to pile straws on a camel's back, there would be several stress fractures well before it snapped outright. Even before that, there would be extensive muscular damage in the back, and maybe even a herniated disk or two. Not to mention the fact that knee and hip injuries might prevent you from even getting that far.

I like it better as "the sledge hammer that broke the camel's back."

But the real point is that if you want to make a saying to express the fact that a small change has had large results, you should at least use an actual critical phenomenon.

How about: "it was the 1/2 degree F that froze the water." Or maybe: "it was the %1 molarity increase that caused the precipitate to form" (or the more familiar version: "the %1 humidity increase that caused it to rain). Another more obscure option would be: "the 10 uK drop in T that caused the Bose-Einstein condensate."

Now, I know it's just a saying. But let's get the science behind these things right, people.

Please Donate to the Get Me Rich Fund

For you see, I will use your money in much cooler and more imaginative ways than you could ever fathom.

You may ask: "what about those less fortunate, should I not give my money to them?" The answer to this issue lies in Utilitarian ethics. To the utilitarians, we can only judge acts as right and wrong based on whether they increase or decrease the general happiness of those involved.

Now you should see how this works. I am objectively better at spending money than other people. Therefore, by spending your money, I will have made myself so much happier as to exceed any potential happiness gained by you or any other potential recipient. Therefore, the general utility of the world will increase and the world will be an objectively better place.

So please, make a donation to The Get Me Rich Fund. Every dollar counts.

Life is a Game

The rules are a lot like chess. Except instead of a King you have to protect your reproductive organs.

And instead of one opponent, there are 5 billion. And instead of opposing pieces there are mountain lions, bears, car accidents, floods, asteroids, tornados, hostage situations, jealous lovers, ledges to fall off, factory accidents, mine cave-ins, and the occasional homicidal maniac.

But you do have hordes of souless minions that are a lot like pawns. What, you don't? Oh, right I forget that other people don't. Sorry.

OK, so maybe it's not that much like chess. Maybe bocce? Or cricket? Jacks?

Well, whatever, the specifics of it are not important to you. All you need to know is that I have already won.

I Can't believe It Took until 1454 for Anyone to Invent the Printing Press

This is truly a sad sign about the human race. The technology necessary to make a printing press existed in Roman times! Maybe even before!

I mean, sure, at the time they saw books as property of the elite. The commoners were illiterate, so there was little need to mass produce texts. But really, it only took one person to come up with this idea. Think of the endless hours that innumerable scribes spent painstakingly copying books over the centuries. Not one of them thought: "man, there has to be an easier way!" I refuse to believe it. That is lunacy. Lunacy which I (contrary to my history) will not celebrate.

Was there not even some visionary who saw the potential of the press. The invention of movable type brought about a revolution in information dissemination rivaled only by the recent advent of the internet (as an aside, I think Celebrate Lunacy would have made a great monthly almanac). Could no one see this potential?

Or it could have spread information so efficiently for any specific cause. It would have spread the gospel, the propaganda of any particular ruler.

Well, suffice to say I am very disappointed in you, humanity. Come up with a goddamn new idea from time to time. It might make your life easier.