Time to Update

Our modern understanding of human physiology has advanced to the point where the use of the heart as the universal symbol of love is antiquated enough to be insulting. Especially to a forward looking man of action such as myself.

All of those heart shaped valentines and "I Heart Puppies" logos have bought into a pre-Galenic understanding of the biological mechanisms of love. It's time for them to go. Instead, I propose we move on to those true drivers of sexual development and arousal: the endocrine glands.

From now on, these are some acceptable valentine cards: "I endocrine gland you, baby," "You set my endocrine glands all aflutter," "Every time I see you, it makes my endocrine glands jump into my throat" (note, this does not refer to the thyroid gland, which is already there), "Please don't interfere with the current mode of function of (i.e. break) my endocrine glands." My personal favorite, though, is "My endocrine glands are yours."

The best part of this plan is how little we actually need to change. Look at the chart in Wikipedia. Most of the endocrine glands actually look more like the traditional heart symbol than an actual heart does. We don't even need to change the symbol!

Do not let this fool you, though, next time you see a pointy bi-lobed outline of a human organ used in the middle of a sentence, it is not a heart, it is an endocrine gland.