Apparently, I Have way too much Time on my Hands

Evidence:

http://inhonoroflunacy.blogspot.com

A New Game with Ancient Roots

My colleagues at the lab and I have taken to a new game; the point of this game is to catch your friend off guard. It's called 'catch it or you get cancer,' and here's how it works. Some time when it is least expected, you turn to the person next to you (or on the other side of the room), shout 'catch it or you get cancer!' and hurl a bottle of some carcinogen (say hexane, or benzene - nothing too toxic) at them.

Of course if they miss, there is not immediate damage, at least after the environmental safety crew has cleaned up. In fact it is somewhat unlikely that a single exposure will cause cancer even down the road. So, you opponent is not penalized if he is too hungover a few days (aren't we all anyway?) or if he is sometimes carrying some radioactive waste that he determines should not be dropped while catching the projectile. No, Cancer will only be the result if a player repeatedly misses, and thus establishes a pattern of actually sucking at the game. That way it is fair.

Now these kinds of games have a long history. Modern philologists trace it back to the ancient Romans. One of the main weapons in the arsenal of the Roman infantry was a spear known as the pilum. The famous design trait of pila was that their tips were designed to bend or break on impact, such that they could not be thrown back. But soldiers needed practice throwing them, and this practice would require too many throws for it to be practical to destroy a pilum every time. They got around this by adding a second soldier, positioned in front of the first, who was charged with the task of catching the spear every throw. Now, this was a dangerous job and frequently resulted in injury. However, the soldiers enjoyed it so much that they made a game of it by hurling spears at their unsuspecting friends.

The game eventually caught on and continues in many forms today. These range in intensity from the common childhood practice of shouting 'think fast!' and throwing a ball to straight up Russian roulette. The first I find boring because there is not cost for losing, and the second is reckless; it leaves the loser with no chance to make his final arrangements. That is why I suggest 'catch it or you get cancer,' a perfect balance. Good times, good times.

The Best Way to Smuggle Booze into Concerts or Sporting Events

Is in your circulatory system.

Buying beer there is not to be considered an option, as the cost is prohibitive. And these days sucurity is too tight to get containers, such as 30 racks or growlers, through the gate. So take advantage of your physiology, and fill your arteries up with alcohol so you can enjoy it later.

Well, It's That Time of Summer Again

Yes that part where it gets so hot that sitting is enough work to make you sweat. We all hate this kind of weather, so here are a few tips to help you beat the heat:

1.) Reduce unnecessary movements. Now, we all instinctively reduce gross arm and leg movements (such as walking, grand larceny, and fisticuffs) in this heat, but the idea can be taken further. Every little movement produces heat. You can stop focusing your eyes, or stop swallowing saliva. It takes some practice, but I recommend that you stop blinking as well. Who needs blinking in this weather, it's humid enough that your eyes won't dry out anyway.

2.) Cold showers are great, but they waste water and it is difficult to talk to friends or entertain guests from the shower. In their place, I recommend a single glass of ice water. Place it on the floor, and squat over it with your balls hanging into the glass. Perhaps dip them for several minutes then remove them and repeat. You would be amazed how much your core temperature will drop when that part of your body is so refridgerated.

3.) Purchase a water cooled suit, such as those worn by astronauts and vulcanologists. The initial cost may be high, but it is much more efficient to cool the air immediately around you instead of your entire house. Such a suit will reduce cooling costs and perhaps even pay for itself in time.

4.) Men: stop having sex. This follows from number 1. However, your mate may not like it so much. So, if your women get upset about their lack of pleasure, send them to me and I will take care of it while you sit comfortably motionless on the couch at home. That's just the kind of guy I am.

5.) If you must ignore all of the points above, guys, always remember to powder your balls. It may not keep you cool (unless you are crazy and you use Gold Bond), but it will at least help to keep them dry and combat chafage, that awkward and uncomfortable scourge of sticky summer days.

Terrifying Nanobots are Invading My Body!

My body has been overcome by hordes of nanobots bent on destroying my tissues! They are ruthlessly efficient. And there are so many of them; they are reproducing constantly. It's terrifying. They seem to be focusing their efforts on my upper respritory tract, tearing it apart one cell at a time. I can already feel the damage and its getting worse by the hour.

I have unleashed my own armies of defensive machines, but so far the battle is a stalemate at best. I can only hope that the tides will turn. Otherwise, my fate may be sealed. Killed by the tinyest of enemies!

Oh, yes, I think you better know my condition as 'a cold.'

Office Chairs Do Not Travel Well Over Rough Pavement

A tough lesson learned last Friday night.

My friends and I were ambling down a side road in Woods Hole when we spotted an abandoned office chair by the side of the road. One friend promptly jumped on, while the other two of us began pushing him at a running pace. Within about 1/2 second, the wheels caught in a crack.

"Aha!" I thought to myself as I was flung bodily on top of the chair and into the pavement, "office chairs do not travel well over rough pavement."

Needless to say, we were all left bleeding from various extremities and had a hearty laugh at the whole incident. Also, we were drunk.