By Reading this Statement, You Contractually Agree that You Will Work for the Rest of Your Natural Life at My Factories

Orientation will be at 9:00 am, Monday. Please arrive at 8:45 for sign in.

Issues such as lack of pay and benefits will be addressed at this time. The sick and frail will be dealt with appropriately. Complete obience is expected.

Thank You. That is all.

I Love the Idea of Predation

It's the elvolutionary equivalent of saying:

"Damn, it's a real pain in my ass to convert this shit I eat into meat. . .

Wait, that guy's made of the same shit I am. I'll just eat him."

If I had my Own Pet Robot . . .

There would definately be alot of good natured ribbing between us. Like, if I couldn't do a math problem, he'd be like: "the answer is -37pi, dumbass." Or If he failed to show any emotion, I'd be like: "dude, you can't just kill people like that, you dick." It would rule.

Hey Look, I Fixed This Thing.

*SMASH*

Nope.

I didn't fix it.

Pi Cafe Spring Break Hours:

There are no Pi Cafe spring break hours.

Thank you.

There's a new movie out that looks like a ripoff of The Bad News Bears and Napoleon Dynamite. And Rob Schneider is in it.

It's called "The Benchwarmers"

Awesome.

"Parking access may be limited and/or inaccessible."

Contrary to claims made by the author of the no parking sign I found on my car the other day, access cannot be inaccessible. There is no such thing as second order access.

The author also claims that access can be limited and inaccessible at the same time.

Either something is or it isn't. If it is limited then it is. A thing can't be limited and nonexistent at the same time.

I suppose you could define 'limited' such that something that doesn't exist can be limited. But then it will always be both. It can't be one or the other.

So it's 'and' or 'or.' Not both. Not and/or.

This character lives in a strange world.

YES, YES, This Rocks . . . NO, NO, Don't Stop a-Rockin'

Any quasi-rhythmical response is considered approval to a rock band. One can even nod or shake one's head. These are contradictory responses in any normal discourse. But not to the rocker. To the rocker, its the same damn thing. Rocking.

Even terrible dancing is OK. As long as you have the energy.

Trust me, I know/am several of those terrible dancers.

I Need to Shave

My chin itches.

An Octopus Can Squeeze Through a Very Small Hole

Those things are just a sack of organs with a beak.

Look it up for yourself. They are really weird.

I Realize Now That You Are Not an Arthropod

See, now that I know, if I look at your skin it is soft and pink. You do NOT have an exoskeleton. And you breathe through your mouth. You DO have lungs. Your eyes do not protrude; they are set back in your skull. And you only have two. Yes that's right, I admitted that you have a skull.

I also see that you only have 4 limbs, and you are noticeably lacking any scars that might indicate the removal of others.

Sorry for my mistake. Please, let's just get past this little misunderstanding.

Evolutionary Justification

What many people don't realize is that they have evolutionary justification for behaving like such assholes.

For instance, our livers are significantly larger than any other mammal our size, and presumably so that we can drink alcohol. You see, we have a genetic mandate to drink.

Similarly, there is good reason to believe that we are genetically wired to try and get in the pants of every woman that we see. We may have also evolved to enjoy watching criminals fry. We are even hardwired to assume causality. It also seems that we may have evolutionary reasons to hate people who disagree with us.

So next time someone asks you why you are being an asshole, explain to them: It was expedient for the survival of humanity as Pleistocene hunter-gatherers. Is there any better reason to do anything?

I Don't Know Why We Turned That Guy into a Werewolf

And then we put him in a cage with Rammstien on continuous loop. And placed buckets of blood just beyond his reach. Really though, I think it was the time we gave him acid where he completely flipped his shit.

Maybe if we had a better cage we could have kept him in, but this is not the kind of work we normally do. We are research scientists. We don't usually need such a strong cage. And silver bullets are expensive as hell.

Why did we turn that guy into a werewolf? It's not exactly the kind of thing you can publish in a journal. I guess the whole thing was pretty poorly thought out. We must have gotten so caught up in the idea that we forgot why we were doing it. Hopefully noone will trace the killings back to my lab.

These are things that we need to think through more carefully next time. Particularly with the zombie virus that we just isolated.

I Wish My Ninja Enemies Would Train Themselves Better

It always seems strange to me how easily I am able to vanquish the cohorts of 20-30 anonymous ninjas that frequently attack me during my daily routine. Do these men not practice? Do they take no pride in the historic art of ninjitsu? Who purports to be the trainer of these slobs?

It usually only takes one blow to incapacitate these so called 'ninjas.' Why don't they know how to take a hit? I would gladly spend a day at their training facility and hit them at 1/2 or 3/4 strength to toughen them up. They can never block my attacks either. Its just one swing and they are down. Pathetic.

Also, there is the issue of tactics. They always encircle me and then come in one at a time. I thought the whole point of surrounding someone is that you can all attack in a well orchestrated flurry of destruction. But, no, that would take some kind of coordination. That would clearly be beyond these hacks. I think that my enemies just pick people up off the street and put them in black uniforms. Any respectable master would weep upon watching these farcical attempts at the martial arts.

Seriously, this is starting to get depressing. At least spare a man the dignity of a worthy opponent!

Deductive Proof of Everything I Say

Bear with me though a little deductive logic:

[1](1) {if there exists some x such that if P(x) holds, then P(Y) holds, then A} P
[2](2) {not A} P
[1,2](3) {P(x) does not hold} (1)(2) TF
[1,2](4) {for all x, P(x) does not hold} (3) UG
[1,2](5) {it is not the case that there exists some x for which P(x) holds} (4) CQ
[1,2] (6) {A} (1)(5) TF
[1] (7) {if A then not A} [2](6) D

Now, those who have studied this gibberish know that any conclusion can follow from a paradox such as line 7. Anything at all. The moon is made of green cheese. I am your father. You killed Kennedy. It doesn't even matter what A and P are. That is the beauty. So, as long as I accept the premise on line 1, then anything that I say deductively follows.

I am perfectly willing to accept line one. If you are not, then I contend that you are a communist. In fact, I have deductively proven it.

The Intricacies of Innacuracy

Few people recognize the true nuance that it takes to be wrong. Most people try too hard to be right all the time, and forget that this is an impossibility. We must embrace our own incorrectness, and learn to use it wisely!

I hope that my friend RealityGrip will not mind if I use his paraphrase of Wittgenstein, but I see no reason that he would object. So, to inform my own discussion I will take from his:

"To steal directly from Wittgenstein, let us review:

sinn / sense* Statements given to us by the natural sciences have sense. Sense can be understood of as meaning, import, usefulness, etc.

sinnloss/ senseless** Statements about logic or math can be understood as senseless. 'This statement is true.' '1 + 1 = 2' 'It is either raining or it is not raining.' These statements carry no information. As my prof. put it, they are 'true by courtesy.' Such statements are true by virtue of the definitions of the words they use, therefore, they have no actual meaning.

unsinnig / nonsense*** Statements such as 'the true is more identical than the beautiful' 'the house man spotted the wooly' are nonsense. Clearly. These statements do not have anything analyzable for truth or falsity; to call them either true or false would be a misnomer, as they are just pure crap.

*Use or reproduction of any material herein without express permission, written or otherwise, of the proprietor of this blog (read: me) will be frowned upon highly (read: prosecuted with all directness appropriate for the nature of the specific incident in question).

**Those found to be using material herein without express permission, written or otherwise, of the proprietor of this blog (read: me) will be immediately hunted down. Upon learning your address, I will paint half of my face blue, bring my claymore to your doorstep, and invade your house. All opposition will be handled with extreme prejudice.

***If I learn of anyone using material herein without express permission, written or otherwise, of the proprietor of this blog (read: me), I will imediately clean up my act and pursue a career in politics. Once I have ascended to a suitable position, that person will be erased from history."

(this may or may not be an exact quote)

You see, there are many ways to spew bullshit. Each has its own effect and should be used appropriately. Personally, I like a good balance between each kind of bullshit for a well rounded palate. However, I encourage all to add their own flair to their bullshit; mix and match each kind to taste. There is an unappreciated richness to this art.

Furthermore, with the recent information boom, we now have a dizzying array of things about which we can be wrong. The internet allows us to accumulate and misinterpret misinformation about things that our ancestors would simply have ignored! What a glorious future it is for bullshitting!!!

Let us ring this future in with useless blogs full of nonsense!

Disclaimer

I have started a blog called "celebrate lunacy." Please consider this when reading posts; it is, after all, professed lunacy. The views herein do not necessarily represent my own, and no information is intended to be taken seriously. Please do not use my stuff without some form of consent, though God knows why you might want to.

enjoy