How I Picture Science:

Question => => Answer

Some Advice to Limousine Companies

Do not do what one local company has done. Under no circumstances should your vanity license plates read:

WHT TIE

Even if you are called the White Tie Limousine Service.

It is not so much a reference to your company name as it is a slightly amusing commentary on the crusty old white guy who is undoubtedly riding in your limo.

Political Power Is Overrated

As you can see from my profile picture, I once spent a short stint as the King of France. It was ok, I guess. But you don't get all the God-like powers. No mind bullets or immortality. For instance, you have to tell someone else to kill anyone you don't like, you can't just strike them down with a lightening bolt or something. And you have to tell someone what kind of wine you want. Who do they think I am Lance Armstrong? That's a lot of work. I earned the right to slack off, damnit.

What you really need to do is seize religious power and political power at the same time. Like the pharoahs. Those guys kept the universe from exploding just by having a cranium. That's a pretty sweet racket right there. Too bad I was born 35 years too late for that one.

People are Stupid

I'm trying to come up with a way to make a bunch of money off this fact.

It's Time for You to Seriously Reconsider Your Yogurt Intake

There is a small tribe of people nestled deep in the Ubutu mountains of the northern south-western region of the Mai-Ling province of Estonia known as the Conumconnoq. The members of this tribe are quite remarkable. Why, you ask? Well, it's because their average live expectancy is 467.8936 years! No, that is not a typo or decimal error. Their head tribal elder is 876 years old.

They are not gods, or superhuman mutants. In fact, it is their diet that allows them such long life. Specifically, their love of yogurt. The Conumconnoq eat yogurt for at least 12 meals a day. And when they get thirsty, they drink a liquid yogurt. Look at the picture of their elders. See the white stuff on their faces? Yogurt. They eat it so fast it gets all over everything around them. This is actually the only known photograph of a member of the tribe not eating yogurt.

It is the active cultures in the yogurt that sustain these people for such long times (particularly L. aciphilus and P. A. T. B. V. hohenheimus). These cultures infuse their way into the blood stream and perform routine maintenance on the DNA of the host, slowing the aging process greatly.

So, you ask yourself, why am I only expecting to live 250 years? I will answer for you: because you are stupid. Now go wise up and eat yogurt until you pass out. It's your only hope.

I'm Suing the Makers of Hellboy

I saw Hellboy on TV yesterday, and I must tell you I'm furious. I've never seen such a flagrant ripoff of my life story. I was a little ticked at Spawn, but Hellboy is my life word for word. There's only one difference; the end. I opened the gate and brought on the apocalypse. Perhaps you noticed. If not, I assure you that you will soon.

Actually, come to think of it, I have no reason to sue. I will shortly be getting a much more violent and grusome revenge.

Another Response to my Nemesis, RealityGrip

In a recent post, RealityGrip disregards studies that suggest teen sex is related to sexually suggestive music:

http://norealitygrip.blogspot.com/2006/08/cnncom-headline-study-sexy-music.html#links

Sadly, Mr Grip is ignoring the biology of the situation. Do not forget that levels of hormones pumped into music has steadily risen since white people invented rock and roll in the mid 50's. The latest Ying Yang Twins single was measured to have 5 times the healthy concentration of testosterone and epitestoterone. It is also well known that the eardrum serves as a semi-permeable membrane perfectly adapted to absorb these hormones.

Now I agree with Mr Grip that teens are already pumped up with hormones and are pretty much perpetually aroused (or at most 0.005 seconds from arousal). This is not a reason to disregard the influence of music based hormones (or MBH) on the child. On the contrary, it is very much reason to be more concerned. Only a small amount of testosterone can tip the scales, and throw the teens into a wild sex-crazed frenzy. At levels measured in current pop music, I estimate that only 1 min 56.7 sec of exposure is sufficient to turn your child into a sex slave for life. That's 0.456 of a single Black Eyed Peas song. Do you know where your children are?

And don't get me started on the music videos.

Why is Everyone So Afraid of Ghosts?

Everyone seems to agree that ghosts are scary, but noone seems to be able to explain why. Ghosts are only around to haunt. Many people tell stories of being haunted by ghosts, but there is no single instance in which a ghost has harmed anyone in any way. That is because ghosts are just around to scare people. But that just raises the question of why this works.

If ghosts scare you for the sake of scaring, then they should not be met with mortal terror, they should be met with the kind of giddy jumpiness that one experiences on a roller coaster. Roller coasters, like ghosts, are designed to scare with no real threat of harm.

Perhaps, though, there is something else here. Perhaps the experience of seeing a dead person forces us to face our own mortality. However, I don't think this works. I think that facing something really dangerous such as a tiger or zombie would be much more effective. Sure, a ghost may give us pause to think about our eventual end, but I think it is much more terrifying to see your end hurtling towards you at high velocity with very sharp teeth.

Perhaps seeing a ghost also forces us to reconsider our views about the afterlife. It is after all difficult to maintain the view that deceased souls ascend to heaven or are completely and finally erased from this terrify thing called existence when some dead guy is walking right in front of you. But again, this is more of a philosophical issue. Philosophy in general is a peaceful and relaxing practice, not one performed while running at full speed, shrieking at the top of one's lungs (with a few notable exceptions, see Nietzsche and RealityGrip).

So I think you should agree. Next time you see a ghost, there are two appropriate reactions: you can let loose a giddy squeal like an 8 year old on a waterslide, jump up and down a few times, then collapse in laughter, OR you can commence in deep soul searching about the nature of existence and our own mortality. Anything else would be unwarranted, unnecessary, and will only encourage them to continue their annoying practice.

David Ortiz Needs to be Tested for Immortality

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With the recent scandal about performance enhancing drugs, I think it's time we look into a different problem: David Ortiz's performance enhancing immortality. Now, I am a Sox fan, and I would hate to see him banned from the league, but I am also a baseball purist and this is a game meant to be played by men not Gods.

So I propose a simple test. In the old days we would have thrown him in a lake tied down with rocks to see if he survived or not. But, like I said I am a Sox fan. It would be little solace to know that he died with honor when Manny is left unprotected in the lineup. (As an aside, I do think this would be an appropriate test for Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera.)

Instead, we simply need to take a small tissue sample. Perhaps from his skin or from the hypothalamus, which is known to excrete homerun producing hormones. Culture this tissue, and then subject the cells to various lethal conditions: acidic pH, high temperature, high alcohol concentration, excessive exposure to RealityGrip's political rants, ect. Based on these results, we should be able to tell if he is a man, God or even demi-god. If either of the latter he must be banned from baseball.

I don't think he will like this, so I suggest we sate him by making him King of the USA, or else he might kill us all with his super strength and laser beam eyes.