A Sneak Peak Scene from the Autobiographical Play I Am Writing (a work in progress)

(Theo finds himself transported back to the year 1970 with nothing save the clothes on his back, and the recording of an Allman Brothers he is listening to from a show he attended in 2006.)

(Enter Duane Allman, long guitar solo in background)

Duane: Hi

Theo: Hi Duane, I'm Theo. I'm from the future.

D: Nice to meet you, Theo. Say, these are some groovy tunes, [note: not sure if Duane would say 'groovy.' If not, then: 'I dig the tunes.' He would definitely say that.] my band plays this song. [note 2: he would certainly call people 'cats;' find a way to work that in]

T: Uh, this is your band.

D: Couldn't be, it doesn't sound like me or Dickey.

T: I hate to say it, but this is how your band sounds 35 years after you die.

D: You hate to say? They still rock man, that's good to hear. Not many rock bands last 80 years or so.

(solo ends, verse begins)

D: Say, this cat [YES!] sounds a lot like Greg.

T: It is.

D: Greg's still alive?

35 years after I die, you say?

T: 35.

D: Shit. . .

There's no way Greg is going to live very long. . .

I'm gonna die soon, aren't I?

T: Sorry Dude.

D: Damn.

T: It sucks. Hey, I gotta go.

D: Alright. Thanks for . . . . Well, thanks.

T: Ya man. Hey, go live it up while you can, huh.

D: Don't worry about that.

T: And look out for Peach Trucks!

D: What?

T: Nevermind.

(Theo is magically transported back to the present. End scene)

Well, what do you think? I will only accept answers submitted in the form of ticket sales. Not talking.

Want to See Something Gross?

. . . eeeeewwwwwwww

I Don't Understand the Turn of Phrase "Piss and Moan"

I am aware that it is supposed to mean complain, or whine, or something to that effect. I just don't really understand how we are supposed to get there.

Spontaneous urination is rarely a response that I have to a displeasurable situation. And when it is, I am guaranteeably quite drunk, and on the verge of committing some form of public urination anyway. Further, moaning is only a normal response to one kind of unfavorable situation, that of bodily displeasure.

So neither is an appropriate response to a generic disappointment. I would even go on to say that if you frequently feel the need to 'moan' at the same time you do to 'piss,' you should immediately notify a doctor as well as everyone with whom you have had sexual intercourse in the last 6 months (which is to say that if you are reading this blog, you only need to notify a doctor).

"The Best Part of Waking Up is Folgers in Your Cup."

I am the type who hardly sees this as a good advertising campaign. Saying that you product is the best part of a horrible experience is hardly enticing. Consider the following list of the things I consider the most horrible that could happen to me:

1.) A frontal lobotomy performed using a pair of nutcrackers and a bb gun.
2.) A sudden, unexpected vasectomy.
3.) Waking up early
4.) The Black Plague
5.) Being forced to decide who to root for in a cage match between Rowdy Roddy Piper and Macho Man Randy Savage.

So saying that you product is the best part of waking up fall somewhere in between saying "the best part of a frontal lobotomy performed using a pair of nutcrackers and a bb gun is that it probably didn't cost very much," and "the best part of the Black Plague is that is gives you pause (however brief) to consider the nature of you own mortality, and find solace in the love of your family." I am not sold on either of these.

If I had to sell a product associated with any of these experiences, I would take the pitch that it makes the whole thing a little less excruciating. After all, the best part is probably not all that good.

The best way to get a good tip as a bartender

is to stop charging customers for their drinks.

If people are not charged for drinks, they feel an obligation to give out some money. Further, you have just done them a service and demonstrated yourself to be a pretty nice guy, so they will give that money to you.

A $4 tip works out well for everyone in that case. You get a bigger tip that normal, they get a cheaper drink. The only one who loses is the bar owner. But fuck him. He makes like 1,000,000,000% profit anyway.