The Best Way to Tell What Something Is Made of Is to Blow It Up

If modern physics has taught us anything it is this. When you want to know what something is made of, you have three good options. You can smash it into something else at very high velocity, you can burn it, or you can blow it up. This has worked for everything from subatomic particles to asteroids. (Stars constantly do this to themselves for us.)

But the problem with this strategy is that you need at least two of whatever you are looking at. Because once you have analyzed the composition of some thing, it is not made of that stuff anymore.

Really, it's not made of anything anymore.

A Statement From the Estate of Theo Von Hohenheim

Regarding the post of April 25 entitled "Shredder: Criminal Mastermind or Bumbling Administrator?"

Mr. Von Hohenheim apologizes sincerely for his use of a stolen joke at the end of this post. He regrets that this destroys his heretofore unblemished record of complete originality of humor. He was aware of the previous appearance of this joke on a popular television program, but decided to include it anyway as he felt it was "a very good joke." The overwhelming reaction that has followed was not expected.

Despite calls for his resignation, Mr. Von Hohenheim will continue to publish the blog "Celebrate Lunacy." He understands that it may take some time to build back readership confidence, but he assures his fans that his jokes will be from now on %100 original and at least %65 funny.

Thank You For Your Readership and Your Concerns,
Barry Zuckercorn and Bob Loblaw, Legal Counsel to The Estate of Theo Von Hohenheim

Shredder: Criminal Mastermind, or Bumbling Administrator?

I was recently thinking about the (first) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, and came to realize that Shredder was hardly the menacing despot he was set up to be. To illustrate this, here are several of the crimes that were committed or implied in the movie by Shredder or his criminal organization "The Foot:"

1.) distribution of tobacco products to minors
2.) petty larceny
3.) vagrancy
4.) 1 count kidnapping (Not sure this would hold up in court as Splinter was a rat. If not I guess its another instance of #2.)
5.) cruelty to animals
6.) a few counts of assault with a deadly weapon (Remember, this only counts for fights with April or KC Jones. All fights with Splinter or the turtles fall under #5.)

I suppose a really ambitious prosecutor would throw in some stuff like criminal negligence, reckless endangerment, and perhaps tax evasion. But this are just things they throw around when they don't have anything good to nail someone with.

The real point is this: where is the profit? I suppose they stole some tvs and stuff, but really, this could barely cover costs of administration and the lair he had set up. Remember the full arcade and skatepark? That stuff is not cheap. It seems that Shedder has amassed an army of petty thugs with nothing to lose and managed to do nothing with it. Was there ever a plan? Did he ever have a real business model? If so, I would bet it looks something like this:

Step 1: Accumulate gang of disaffected youths
Step 2: Train them in ninjitsu
Step 3: . . .
Step 4: Profit

I am very disappointed in you, Shredder.

Many Things Do Not Need to Be Cleaned After Use.

People tend to think of all of the things that need to be cleaned after they are used, such as laundry and dishes. These pessimists ignore all of the useful things that do not in fact need to be cleaned after use. For your benefit, here are several examples:

1.) a pizza
2.) a cruise missile
3.) the fundamental theorem of calculus
4.) a route to an alien planet, such as mars
5.) any self cleaning device (particularly stoves and robots)
6.) lossless data files
7.) antimicrobial pens (yes, these do exist)
8.) cds/dvds (they work best when cleaned before use)
9.) dental floss
10.) pants

"Access Cannot be Accessible" part II

Much like the sign posted announcing the commencement of construction next door to my house, the construction site itself is rife with paradoxical descriptive phrasing.

My personal favorite is an earth flattening device with the slogan "super silent" scrawled across the side. Now I take offense to this not only because this very same "super silent" machine has woken me two mornings now by rattling the very foundations of my house.

No, there is a more basic problem. The advertising agency that came up with this slogan is missing a fundamental aspect of the nature of silence. You see, silence is the lack of noise. Either some thing is silent or it is not. Silence does not come in varying degrees.

So not only is this slogan a shamefully patent lie, it is also utterly meaningless.

The Words of a Truly Great Man:

Bill James, one of the great original thinkers of our time, once wrote some words that resonated with me:

"It is a wonderful thing to know that you are right and the world is wrong. Would God that I might have that feeling again before I die."

Amen, brother! Though I must say its a shame that you do not feel that way every waking moment (and sleeping too for that matter), as I do.

Instead of Addressing Your Question, I Will Cause You Severe Bodily Harm

I am not usually a violent man. But this question infuriates me to no end.

Keep in mind, sir, that there are no mysteries in the universe. There are just stupid assholes like you asking these ridiculous questions.

Now please. Leave my sight before I am forced to take action.

I Am Not So Concerned with Anyone's Ability to Put Two and Two Together.

See, anyone can put two and two together. That is not the problem.

The problem is that they will probably not get the right answer when they do so. Too many people will, in any given situation, put two and two together and get 5. Or 12. Or even 37. This is a problem.

There is too much stress these days to simply put two and two together. "Hopefully he can put two and two together," they say . . . But we need to take the time to get it right. So remember to not hurry to put two and two together too quickly.


The answer is four.

I Know the Guy that Owns this Place

The whole damn thing. Impressive is it not? I could get you into some serious VIP parties.

Ya, I wouldn't have thought one guy would own the whole internet either. Until I met him. Trust me, he's really, really rich. Good guy too. Real down to earth.

Are you not impressed with my connections?

Hey, I wrote that song!

Ya, that one, the one you are listening to. Seriously.

I know, I tried to sue, but there was some legal technicality. Something like "I wasn't alive yet when it was written."

Exactly. Bullshit, isn't it? Well, I will always know I am right. Perhaps one day I will pen another such hit and be able to capitalize.

Another song coming on, eh? Hey, Wait! I wrote that one to!!!! I know it came out even earlier than the last. I wrote it, remember. I was there.

OK, I didn't write this verse. But this verse sucks anyway.

Comeon man, why won't you believe me? Is not my blog full of indisputable truths?

We Must Keep Atmospheric Oxygen Down to Prevent the Evolution of Giant Insect Monsters!

I understand that the main reason that insects are so small is that they take air in through their skin. This is size limiting because the volume/surface area ratio blows up as they get bigger (it's the same reason that cells divide).

This is all well and good these days. But my main concern is that, in our zeal to prevent global warming, we raise the oxygen levels and trigger an invasion of giant insect monsters. That would truly be an inauspicious end for mankind. So please, people, show some restraint in the war on global warming. And spread the word. Write your congressmen. It is never too soon to practice prevention!

p.s. also, arachnids

I HAVE JUST LEARNED HOW TO EMPHASIZE STATEMENTS!!

THIS IS GREAT. I have recently learned that there are many ways in which I can emphasize my statements!!! Bold, CAPITALS, italics, colors, exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TRULY CONTROL AN ARSENAL OF EMPHASIS!!!!!!!!!!!

What? Blogger lacks underlining!?!?!?!? PHILISTINES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WELL, NO MATTER! I no longer need to repeat myself endlessly to show which of my points are of absolutely crucial importance, and which are merely of essential importance.

Actually, nevermind, I'll just keep doing that anyway.

Remember Calvin and Hobbes's Transmogrifier Box?

You may not realize it, but this very technology is available to you too! In fact, you probably already have your own little transmogrifier in the very room with you!

Yes, that's right, I am talking about your trash can. Everything you put in is instantly and unfailingly transmogrified into garbage! See, normally something would have to be broken, or soiled, or outdated to turn into garbage. Not the case if you have a trash can. It doesn't matter how clean, functional and modern something is. If it's in the trash can, then it's garbage. It was once a bottle, or a sandwich, or a beloved pet. But now, it is none of these things. It is garbage.

Oh what a wondrous transformation! It truly is a bright and glorious future!

I Love Semicolons;

Why; would you ever want to end a sentence; periods disrupt the elegant flow; of my verbiage; and commas are for losers;

I HAVE AN OPINION ABOUT POLITICS!

Listen to me! I have an opinion about the current state of politics and I am right!!!

Your position is so hopelessly wrong, I will not dignify it with any answer whatsoever. My position is so right that I do not even need to justify it. Thus, I will just talk endlessly about it. And constantly reiterate the same opinion. Each time will be louder and more zealous than the last!

When you finally leave, I will consider it a moral victory in my favor.

Since I'm on the topic of UFOs . . .

A Few Things Not to Expect from an Alien Encounter:

1.) Any meaningful communication. Even if they are capable of telepathy, there is no reason to think we could understand their thoughts. It's more likely that their attempts at telepathic communication would be the equivalent of unleashing a dozen angry howler monkeys into the very depths of your soul. If you are lucky, it will quickly be a fatal experience.

2.) That they will take us seriously. Either as enemies or as allies. Trust me, if this race is capable of interstellar travel, the best possible result is that they merely find us amusing. Please God, let them have a sense of humor. Maybe they will take a few of us home as pets.

3.) That I will not be the man behind the scenes. Never underestimate my power.

The Explanatory Power of UFOs

One of my favorite strategies of reasoning takes the following form:

1.) Take a somewhat unlikely, but still reasonable and well accepted explanation for some phenomenon.
2.) Reject it because it is somewhat unlikely.
3.) In its place, adopt a highly unlikely or completely implausible explanation (the latter is preferable).
4.) Con your way into a position such that you can force people to listen to your BS.

A couple of examples:

Some people seem to think that it is unlikely that the Egyptians and the Mayans independently invented the pyramid. So, clearly, aliens taught them both how to make pyramids.

(A little thought experiment: Make a pile of dirt, sand, gravel, or any other particulate matter. What does this remind you of? A pyramid perhaps? No, no, don't send your answer just yet. Let the aliens check it first.)

I also read the work (sorry, lost the link) of some genius who disagrees with explanations of cave paintings. He thinks it is unlikely that people where incapable of creative thinking when they lived in caves. Thus, drawings of horses with human torsos are empirical proof that centaurs once roamed the earth.

(Clearly this man has never seen a horse run, jump, or get an 18 inch erection and thought: "damn, I wish I could do that.")

So please, from now on, screw Occum's Razor. All it has done for us is produce bland and probable explanations. Wouldn't you rather have UFOs and centaurs than human creativity?

I Have Nothing Against People Who Sell Out

Frankly, I understand the draw of money. There's a lot of it out there, and, sometimes, people are willing to give it to those who deserve it.

Selling out is not a flaw; but not selling out is a sign of a real artist. Like Neil Young . . . so many chances to sell out, and he laughed in their face. Every time. In fact, just letting their faces get that close made him want to be sick. And the audience. Neil would never pander to an audience. He loved to make assholes look like, well . . . assholes.

I am not a man of integrity like Neil. If you can sell my name out in any capacity, just send me the check. Please. Sign me up. Just. Do what you can for the money. . .