I Have Come Up With a Way to Teach Language to a Cuttlefish:

Just put him on a crossword puzzle.

Ancient Unanswerable Riddles Solved: Pt. 2

The Question: Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

The Answer: Dinosaurs.

This has been Ancient Unanswerable Riddles Solved. I am Theo Von Hohenheim, wishing you a good night.

Ancient Unanswerable Riddles Solved: Pt. 1

The Question: If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

The Answer (long version): If this tree falls, it will cause vibrations in the air consistent with the sound of a tree falling. However, there is indeed something to the argument that a perceiver is necessary for these vibrations to count as a 'sound' proper. The right kind of auditory perceiver is necessary for the properties we generally associate with sound, such as pitch and timber, to exist. Otherwise it is simply a set of vibrations at certain frequencies. That said, there are many nonhuman woodland animals that would also count as this kind of perciever. So at the very least we need to remove them from the hypothetical vicinity as well as any humans. Personally, though, I am of the opinion that it can be counted as a sound as long as the right kind of perciever exists anywhere in the universe. So, if a tree fell before fish evoloved a sense of hearing, it did not make a sound. Every one after that happened did. In the end, this difference is merely one of semantics. (Note: Many arthropods and arachnids have some way of detecting vibrations. However, these are biomechanically so different from our hearing that I will not count it as such.)

The Answer (short version): Shut Up. I HATE this faux-profound bullshit.

This has been Ancient Unanswerable Riddles Solved. I am Theo Von Hohenheim, wishing you a good night.

Time to Update

Our modern understanding of human physiology has advanced to the point where the use of the heart as the universal symbol of love is antiquated enough to be insulting. Especially to a forward looking man of action such as myself.

All of those heart shaped valentines and "I Heart Puppies" logos have bought into a pre-Galenic understanding of the biological mechanisms of love. It's time for them to go. Instead, I propose we move on to those true drivers of sexual development and arousal: the endocrine glands.

From now on, these are some acceptable valentine cards: "I endocrine gland you, baby," "You set my endocrine glands all aflutter," "Every time I see you, it makes my endocrine glands jump into my throat" (note, this does not refer to the thyroid gland, which is already there), "Please don't interfere with the current mode of function of (i.e. break) my endocrine glands." My personal favorite, though, is "My endocrine glands are yours."

The best part of this plan is how little we actually need to change. Look at the chart in Wikipedia. Most of the endocrine glands actually look more like the traditional heart symbol than an actual heart does. We don't even need to change the symbol!

Do not let this fool you, though, next time you see a pointy bi-lobed outline of a human organ used in the middle of a sentence, it is not a heart, it is an endocrine gland.

Use More Words

The English language has by far the largest vocabulary of any language in the world. Your limited word usage is a disgrace to all those men and women who worked so hard at inventing words and adapting them from other languages. Here are some suggestions about how you can easily increase the number of words you use every day and honor the richness of the English language:

1.) Use more adverbs. For instance instance, "totally awesome" instead of "awesome," or "wicked sweet" instead of just "sweet."

2.) Choose a word, such as "like" or "y'know," and insert it every third or fourth word in conversation or writing.

3.) Avoid compound words, such as abso-fuckin-lutely. A three word combination such as hell-fuckin-yah works just as well.

4.) If compound words cannot be avoided, be sure to join them with hyphens rather than simply combining them. Two words hyphenated together count as between 1.5 and 1.75 words (depending on which linguists you trust) rather than one if you simply put them together.

5.) While you are contemplating an answer to a question, you can mutter a sequence of words, rather than simply saying "hmmmmm." This takes some training, as you will be contemplating the answer to the question, and not your rehearsed speech. Also, be careful to choose something that will be socially acceptable in any situation, as this response will become somewhat automatic in time.

6.) When referring to me in daily conversation, do not simply refer to me as "Theo" or "Theo VonHohenheim." Use my full name: Philiptus Areolus Theophrastus Bombastus VonHohenheim.

7.) When referring to yourself in conversation, repeat your name after 'I,' as in: "I, Caesar, claim this land in the name of Rome," or "I, Jimmy Everyman, like this sandwich."

If all of these suggestions are implemented, you can increase your daily word usage by up to 200-300% (depending on how many times I come up in conversation), without having to learn any new words at all.

Hiatus

I regret to inform you, my loyal readership, that I will not be posting much in the next couple of months. I will be dissappearing into the wiles of the western US without the ability to incite the structured movements of electrons that are necessary to disseminate my wit and illuminate your day.

Have fun all. I will return.

A Sneak Peak Scene from the Autobiographical Play I Am Writing (a work in progress)

(Theo finds himself transported back to the year 1970 with nothing save the clothes on his back, and the recording of an Allman Brothers he is listening to from a show he attended in 2006.)

(Enter Duane Allman, long guitar solo in background)

Duane: Hi

Theo: Hi Duane, I'm Theo. I'm from the future.

D: Nice to meet you, Theo. Say, these are some groovy tunes, [note: not sure if Duane would say 'groovy.' If not, then: 'I dig the tunes.' He would definitely say that.] my band plays this song. [note 2: he would certainly call people 'cats;' find a way to work that in]

T: Uh, this is your band.

D: Couldn't be, it doesn't sound like me or Dickey.

T: I hate to say it, but this is how your band sounds 35 years after you die.

D: You hate to say? They still rock man, that's good to hear. Not many rock bands last 80 years or so.

(solo ends, verse begins)

D: Say, this cat [YES!] sounds a lot like Greg.

T: It is.

D: Greg's still alive?

35 years after I die, you say?

T: 35.

D: Shit. . .

There's no way Greg is going to live very long. . .

I'm gonna die soon, aren't I?

T: Sorry Dude.

D: Damn.

T: It sucks. Hey, I gotta go.

D: Alright. Thanks for . . . . Well, thanks.

T: Ya man. Hey, go live it up while you can, huh.

D: Don't worry about that.

T: And look out for Peach Trucks!

D: What?

T: Nevermind.

(Theo is magically transported back to the present. End scene)

Well, what do you think? I will only accept answers submitted in the form of ticket sales. Not talking.

Want to See Something Gross?

. . . eeeeewwwwwwww