It's Time for You to Seriously Reconsider Your Yogurt Intake

There is a small tribe of people nestled deep in the Ubutu mountains of the northern south-western region of the Mai-Ling province of Estonia known as the Conumconnoq. The members of this tribe are quite remarkable. Why, you ask? Well, it's because their average live expectancy is 467.8936 years! No, that is not a typo or decimal error. Their head tribal elder is 876 years old.

They are not gods, or superhuman mutants. In fact, it is their diet that allows them such long life. Specifically, their love of yogurt. The Conumconnoq eat yogurt for at least 12 meals a day. And when they get thirsty, they drink a liquid yogurt. Look at the picture of their elders. See the white stuff on their faces? Yogurt. They eat it so fast it gets all over everything around them. This is actually the only known photograph of a member of the tribe not eating yogurt.

It is the active cultures in the yogurt that sustain these people for such long times (particularly L. aciphilus and P. A. T. B. V. hohenheimus). These cultures infuse their way into the blood stream and perform routine maintenance on the DNA of the host, slowing the aging process greatly.

So, you ask yourself, why am I only expecting to live 250 years? I will answer for you: because you are stupid. Now go wise up and eat yogurt until you pass out. It's your only hope.