David Ortiz Needs to be Tested for Immortality

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With the recent scandal about performance enhancing drugs, I think it's time we look into a different problem: David Ortiz's performance enhancing immortality. Now, I am a Sox fan, and I would hate to see him banned from the league, but I am also a baseball purist and this is a game meant to be played by men not Gods.

So I propose a simple test. In the old days we would have thrown him in a lake tied down with rocks to see if he survived or not. But, like I said I am a Sox fan. It would be little solace to know that he died with honor when Manny is left unprotected in the lineup. (As an aside, I do think this would be an appropriate test for Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera.)

Instead, we simply need to take a small tissue sample. Perhaps from his skin or from the hypothalamus, which is known to excrete homerun producing hormones. Culture this tissue, and then subject the cells to various lethal conditions: acidic pH, high temperature, high alcohol concentration, excessive exposure to RealityGrip's political rants, ect. Based on these results, we should be able to tell if he is a man, God or even demi-god. If either of the latter he must be banned from baseball.

I don't think he will like this, so I suggest we sate him by making him King of the USA, or else he might kill us all with his super strength and laser beam eyes.