Well, It's That Time of Summer Again

Yes that part where it gets so hot that sitting is enough work to make you sweat. We all hate this kind of weather, so here are a few tips to help you beat the heat:

1.) Reduce unnecessary movements. Now, we all instinctively reduce gross arm and leg movements (such as walking, grand larceny, and fisticuffs) in this heat, but the idea can be taken further. Every little movement produces heat. You can stop focusing your eyes, or stop swallowing saliva. It takes some practice, but I recommend that you stop blinking as well. Who needs blinking in this weather, it's humid enough that your eyes won't dry out anyway.

2.) Cold showers are great, but they waste water and it is difficult to talk to friends or entertain guests from the shower. In their place, I recommend a single glass of ice water. Place it on the floor, and squat over it with your balls hanging into the glass. Perhaps dip them for several minutes then remove them and repeat. You would be amazed how much your core temperature will drop when that part of your body is so refridgerated.

3.) Purchase a water cooled suit, such as those worn by astronauts and vulcanologists. The initial cost may be high, but it is much more efficient to cool the air immediately around you instead of your entire house. Such a suit will reduce cooling costs and perhaps even pay for itself in time.

4.) Men: stop having sex. This follows from number 1. However, your mate may not like it so much. So, if your women get upset about their lack of pleasure, send them to me and I will take care of it while you sit comfortably motionless on the couch at home. That's just the kind of guy I am.

5.) If you must ignore all of the points above, guys, always remember to powder your balls. It may not keep you cool (unless you are crazy and you use Gold Bond), but it will at least help to keep them dry and combat chafage, that awkward and uncomfortable scourge of sticky summer days.